LunarRaver's avatar

LunarRaver

Abrakadazzle!
1 Watcher20 Deviations
5.3K
Pageviews
I had a dream I was living in my old house. It was in the last city I lived in. Two story house. Two bedrooms, one bath, and a basement.
The street we lived on was becoming unstable. The two sides were fighting with each other. Over stupid things. It all started with a rash of disturbances. It would always be on one side of the street or the other. Knocking, window tapping, and such. Then it upped to things being broken. Small things at first. Until a front windows began to be smashed in the dead of night. No culprit around to be found. But within a week every house on one side had some front window smashed. It wasn't always the same side of the house. It was random. Thats when everyone somehow got it into their heads that it was the opposite side of the street causing the problems. But if that was the case, then both sides were causing a ruckus. I didn't know what was really going on, but I know I had nothing to do with it. I just thanked God that it wasn't our side of the street that got our windows smashed. Its been a month now, and things still keep happening like this. Thats when I decided to take matters into my own hands. I had two japanese practice swords that I had bought awhile back with some money I had earned babysitting a few peoples kids. I even bought sheaths and straps to wear them with. I started to go to my basement and practice pulling them both out. After another month of practicing with them, and taking a few karate lessons, I felt confident enough to go out for a night to investigate, and try to catch a glimpse of who the real culprit is. I put on a pair of black pants, dark grey shirt, and black hoodie. I sat out in the shadows of my neighbors house for awhile. It went on like this for awhile, and nothing happened. A few days of this, and no incident. So I figured that they could see me. Well.... lets just say that I got caught by a few of the neighbors skulcking around, so I decided some more lessons would be needed. Two months later...... I had caught a couple thieves and a few kids trying to sneak into an abandoned house at the end of the street. But could not find the person causing the disturbances. I was never fast enough. No one on the street knew who this mysterious person is who was slowing cleaning up our street, but they were slightly greatful. I had all black attire now with a face mask. They knew it was a girl though. Heh! I'm 26 so I'm fully grown. If you know what I mean. After awhile it became second nature to me. I whooped any ass trying to cause trouble. Up all night playing hero, sleep all day. I was becoming worried. I wanted to protect my home. I wanted to protect my Mom. I was starting to get a bad feeling that something bad was about to happen soon. I became restless, and started losing sleep. I slept in my Moms room. So you would think I would feel comfortable, and safe, but it didn't help at all. I didn't want any harm to come to her. One night I had forgot to put on my black gear and went out in a pair of grey shorts and a red t-shirt. I started to walk to one end of the street, when a thought came over me, "Should I go change into a different bra?" I felt like I didn't want my boobs to sag too much and get in the way. Then it hit me. Your not even wearing your outfit dummy! I started to panic, and looked around. I was standing under a lamp post. I was exposed. Someone could see me. I had the mask on but you could clearly tell it was me. I started to swiftly walk back to my house when I saw shadows moving down the street from either side. They were quickly coming from both sides to meet in the middle. Then all at once yelling. It was everyone in the neighborhood. They were attacking one another. One side pitted against the other. Some from my side going and kicking over tables and pulling up flowers, and same from the other side. I stood there and watched in shock. What had come over these people? Who was the cause of all this? It was a mystery. I ran down toward the closest group and started shouting for them to stop. They were right outside my nextdoor neighbors house. I could see the older man, and his daughter fighting with the younger couple that lived right across the way. The old man was struggling with the young man, and wasn't listening. His daughter, who was 5 years older then me, stopped bickering with the woman across the street and looked at me. "Stop this!" I yelled. She recognised me immediately. "YOU!" She shouted loudly. "Dad, look! I told you we knew them! Its that girl from next door!" She yelled at her  dad. He turned and looked me up and down. Another group overheard her and came over. Before I knew it three or four more groups ran over and everyone started to say I was the one who started this whole thing. I was playing pranks. They all called me a bitch, a no good hoodlum, a snotty nosed punk, a good for nothing prankster who gets off on destroying peoples lives. Then they turned and started to beat on the sides of my house, and break the windows. "No! Stop it" I yelled. "I didn't start all this! I don't know who did!" I ran and pulled a few people away from the house. "I was trying to FIND the person behind it all!" I yelled. I didn't want to hurt these people. They were good people. I couldn't hit them with my swords. I started to beg. "Please, believe me?! I didn't do it! Don't ruin this house! Not the house I live with my Mom in! Well... I mean I know she isn't here anymore but.....!" And I stopped. She isn't here. She's not in the house. She died. What am I protecting exactly? Its just a house. I could have lived in a box with her, and it would have been our home. But without her there it would have been just another box...... In my mind she had been in there the whole time. Was I crazy? Was I losing my mind? Then I woke up.

I'm having a had time trying to keep up on the house I live in now. I don't have a job, and not sure if I could work, or can keep one. I have neuropathy of the feet. I'm over weight. Diabetic. I'm trying to lose weight but its hard. Everyone knows that though. Now with Mom gone, its even harder. My nephew was the one supporting us after Mom passed. It wasn't much but we got by. Then a friend I knew for 15 years took money from us, and then my nephew got fired. Now we owe two months rent, have no gas to cook, or shower, after today no internet, and in a few days no phone. I felt like I'm losing the very home my Mom is in... but she's not. Its not a home. Its just a trailor that we own, that sits on land we rent. She is in heaven. Looking down on my family and me, and smiling sending us love in the best way she can. The things in this house, they are just objects. Did she peel them from her skin and mold them into what they are? No. She did work hard to earn the money to get them, but if I needed money she wouldn't be mad if I sold them. I miss my Mommy every day. I will miss her till the day I die. And I will pray that one day I get to be with her again. Because she was my everything. And without her.... all this around me...... is nothing.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

I'm Done.

5 min read
I have lived in this house since I was 13 years old. I know I was pretty bad as a teenager. Wasn't everyone though? I didn't listen to my Mom, but I was punished for it. She whipped my ass! So, in order to never have to get my ass kicked or be yelled at again I just did my fucking chores and got it out of the way. I did as I was told. Of course I was going to talk back every once in awhile. I was a hormonal brat! I still did what I was suppose to do in the house! Even after my nephew came back into the picture. I worked my ass off to keep this house clean, and be a good daughter to my Mother. But after awhile I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't go to a doctor. I had no health insurance because it cost way to much to pay, or no one would take me on cause I was over weight. Also it would cost too much to go a doctor without insurance. So I sucked it up, and said, "Pay your bills, and buy groceries Mom. Don't spend money on me concerning doctors." I'm a diabetic! If I don't take any pills to control my sugar I could go into a sugar coma! That is essential to a diabetic, to keep their sugar under control. Because I didn't go to a doctor for soo long, I now have neuropathy of the legs and feet. I take pills for it now, and it doesn't even help enough for me to walk to my mailbox and back without crying from the pain. It fucking hurts. I don't have enough money to buy myself new shoes. I've been walking around in the same pair of sandals for over six months now. They are warped, and warn. It's fall now here. It's cold. I dont have ANYTHING else to wear but snow boots, and I think its a little too soon for them. So I have to walk around with sensitive nerves in my feet exposed to the cold....and no I will not wear socks with sandals. That is a travesty. I refuse. I would rather just cut my feet off all together. I went without so we could survive in other places in our lives. The people in my family don't get it, or don't care. All I am now is just a fat, lazy, good for nothing who is mooching off the poor Grandson of Sally. SHE IS MY FUCKING MOTHER!! I am her fucking child for gods sake! No one was concerned about how much I was missing Nathan when he was with his father, were they? No! They don't give a flying FUCK about me! Once my Mom went down to Florida with my sister, everyone was so concerned about Nathan! Poor Nathan! You should put the house in his name. He should have his own bank account. And how the fuck do you think the bills will be paid then, huh? They won't! He won't even do just a simple load of laundry, or dishes just to get it done. He is irresponsible in this house. He doesn't care about it like I do. All he wants is to just go to his job, come home, eat, and watch tv. Thats it! If I did absolutely nothing at all, this house would be infested with bugs and mice. No one thinks about that. They think since he has the job he is the responsible one. Nope! Wrong! And why should I give over the house I live in with MY Mom to him? Because he never had a home before? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO THIS WHOLE TIME!!? Make him feel at home and welcomed and loved. He doesn't show the same thing back! He is broken, and refuses to learn! They were SOO concerned about him. What about me? That is MY Mom. The women I have lived with my WHOLE fucking life. My world evolved around. I'm not gonna miss her? I'm not gonna be broken from not being able to see her, or hug her, or give her a kiss? I cry every god damn day and night. I bawl. Sometimes Nathan can't even console me. I miss her soo bad! She is calling me and crying saying she misses me, and she wants to see me. My Grandma is going down to Florida with my Grandpa to see his parents, and mostly likely for Grandma to see Mom. They are "debating" on whether or not to take me. I was rude to them at some point. I don't fucking know when that was. Probably somewhere in between Nathan hanging up on Grandma, and Tara yelling at her. Because it my fault that they are trying to make it where Nathan controls everything that was my Mothers and I don't get zip. Because I'm not suppose to get anything at all. I don't matter. I guess I never mattered. I also guess that this whole situation is not suppose to bother me. It should never bother someone to feel totally and utterly alone, and that no one cares about you at all. My Mom cares about me. She always did. But no one else cares about me.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
So usually I put up stories I make up or dreams I have had, but this time I am gonna speak about something personal. Most people in this world have parents they love. Some are more connected to one more then the other. Mama girls/boys, or Daddy girls/boys. Sometimes even if you don't have parents there is at least one person in your life that you feel close to or would consider like a parent. I also know that there are some people who don't have person like that in their life. I know that some people dont connect like that with someone unless it is a girlfriend/boyfriend or just a lover. I always did wonder how a person couldn't be close to their parents, or connect with a person who could fill the role of parent. I thought everyone did that. I'm close, and quite attached, to my mother. I've always been that way. Ever since I was small I remember having anxieties about loosing her, or getting lost and not being able to stay with her. I remember having dreams that young about the house catching fire, and she died. Or getting lost in a grocery store and loosing her in the crowd, not being able to find her before I woke. As I got older it became less frequent. I still wanted to stay close to her at all times. Of course we know that can't happen. Still I had this thing of wanting to spend as much time with her as possible. I felt like as I got older we wouldn't be able to be together as much. Now my mother is still alive. She is living with my sister in Florida. I live in Ohio, but of course who doesn't right? ^-^ Anyways, now that I am separated from her I have been having to take on the role of adult of the house. I've had alot of time to think about everything. I realized the other day that I didn't spend as much time with her as possible. I would play as a child, hang out with my friends as a teen, and became a computer junky from then till now. I didn't spend my time with her. When she would ask me to come watch a show on the tv with her I wouldn't. A movie came on, I would leave. Now that I know this I feel like a horrible daughter.  I should have spent more time with her. Hugged her more, and showed her I love her. I cry almost every day and night from missing her, and the regrets I have.
What happened was last November, before Thanksgiving, Mom went to the doctor. She was coughing alot and was congested. Her doctor said she had bronchitis. He gave some cough syrup, and a prescription for Zithromax or whatever it was called. It turned out that she was allergic to the Zithromax. Her face swelled, and she was finding it hard to handle the pain. She went to the emergency room at least three times. The swelling moved to her ears, and they swelled shut. She would cry from the pain. I felt so bad. With all this she still went to work. The swelling went away but she would be throwing up, and couldn't keep her food down. So one night she went to work, and ended up going into the hospital. It turned out that she had Chronic Kidney Failure. I think that is what is it called. So they scheduled for her to see a kidney specialist. So my sister came up to be with us when Mom went. She was stage 4. They gave her pills to take, and sent us home. I know they gave her at least three different potassium pills for her to take. She also had to take this pill that if my sister or I touch it could hurt us, and cause me to become unable to have children. Mom wouldn't take them though. She wouldn't take anything. She also wouldn't eat at all. She would throw up all the time. She was miserable. I felt so bad. I didn't know what else to do for her. They gave her a medication for nausea but I dont think it helped as much as it seemed. When she would turn over in bed she would become ill, like motion sickness. Though I would tell the doctors this no one would listen. My sister is the one who has authority in her voice, and knows what she is talking about. Eventually though she had to go back home. So once that happened, I was left on my own once again. She still wouldn't eat, and when she did have the inkling I was half asleep and unable to even pull down my pants to pee. Of course it would have been nice for my nephew who lived with us to help a little more then he was with working. Although staying up late watching tv and not going to bed at a decent hour would have helped. I stayed up as long as I could for her sake but I could handle it for only so long. I still think I could have been able to help more, but then again maybe not. Sometimes you have to admit your faults, and I'm weak. In the months that passed after my sister left my Mom passed out on me twice, and wouldn't wake up, and the last time she fell in our hallway. I live in a trailer by the way. My Mom and I are big women. Me more then her. After she fell, we called the ambulance and they took her to the hospital. At the hospital she passed out on the toilet on the nurses, so they saw what I saw. Then three days after that my grandma called and informed me that my Mom didnt know who anybody was, or herself, and need my sisters number. Now in this time when all this was happening, my Mom decided that we should all move in with my sister in Florida. I didn't mind, except that I would miss my friends, and the weather (except winter). So my sister was already in the process of getting up here. She was flying out that day to come here. Imagine getting a call like that when your on your way to see your Mom. I called my Moms cell, and got no answer. So I called the nurses station and asked if they could get her to answer the phone. They went in and gave her the phone. She didnt know who I was. So I went to see her. She was staring at the wall, and really wouldn't answer you.
Fast forward a little. They transferred her to two hospitals before we got a clear answer as to what caused this to happen. It was a thiamine deficiency do to her not eating, or also known as Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. Most of the time a person gets it when they are an alcoholic. But the figured out what she needed and plans were put into work. She was unable to take care of herself now, and was completely incontinent. They put her in a nursing home. We went to visit her almost everyday, when we could. We have a horrible van. She was suppose to be getting physical therapy to help her to get back to walking around again. That didn't last long though. With her work there is so much time they will give you to get better and come back to work, then after that they drop you like a rock. Well when that happened her insurance dropped her too, and so did the physical therapy. So we made plans to get her out of there. We owe them over $2,000 I think... I don't remember. But even though we were suppose to be paying out of pocket, they still didn't do physical therapy with her. They got her up, and put her down for the day and fed her in between. My sister said fuck that. We could do that! So we got a hospital bed, hoyer lift, bed pads, and whatever else we would need, and brought her home. It was hard I will admit. Not to mention the pooping thing was too much for me. I kinda missed wiping her when she was still using the toilet. Not only cause she was able to stand on her own, and adjust her body for me, but I didn't have to see so much of it. Still I didn't mind. Problem was I was weaker then my sister when it came to moving Mom, and my nephew was even worse then I was cause he didn't want to touch her I guess or hurt her....I don't know. Well while we were taking care of Mom, we were also deciding things with moving. I'm just gonna sum it up. My nephew didn't want to move because he has a job, and house here. My brother-in-law didn't want us down there because we need our GEDs to find decent jobs and we don't have those, plus he didn't like the thought of me not working to help out with bills down there. Even though what my job would have been was helping my sister take care of my Mom. Whatever though. Now they are down there, and we are up here. I miss my Mom alot. Plus she has been asking where I am now, and wanting to talk to me. I talked to her on the phone the other day and she told me I needed to come visit her. I am crying right now.... I dont have enough money to go see her. I am a diabetic, with neuropathy of the legs and feet. Even with the pills I have been finally able to get to help, I find it hard to walk around. I can barely do normal household chores. I don't think I would be able to work even a part time job. So I am stuck, and feel lost. I'm falling into a deep hole of depression.  It's adding to the pain in my body, and I am already getting tired of it. I want to give up, but I can't for the sake of my family and friends. Also cause my nephew Nathan is really immature, and could never be able to live on his own. Otherwise I would have said fuck you to my brother-in-law and went with my sister anyways.
I just wanted to get that off my chest and mind. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. I hope you love your family and friends more cause of it.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Featured

Call it what you will... by LunarRaver, journal

I'm Done. by LunarRaver, journal