So usually I put up stories I make up or dreams I have had, but this time I am gonna speak about something personal. Most people in this world have parents they love. Some are more connected to one more then the other. Mama girls/boys, or Daddy girls/boys. Sometimes even if you don't have parents there is at least one person in your life that you feel close to or would consider like a parent. I also know that there are some people who don't have person like that in their life. I know that some people dont connect like that with someone unless it is a girlfriend/boyfriend or just a lover. I always did wonder how a person couldn't be close to their parents, or connect with a person who could fill the role of parent. I thought everyone did that. I'm close, and quite attached, to my mother. I've always been that way. Ever since I was small I remember having anxieties about loosing her, or getting lost and not being able to stay with her. I remember having dreams that young about the house catching fire, and she died. Or getting lost in a grocery store and loosing her in the crowd, not being able to find her before I woke. As I got older it became less frequent. I still wanted to stay close to her at all times. Of course we know that can't happen. Still I had this thing of wanting to spend as much time with her as possible. I felt like as I got older we wouldn't be able to be together as much. Now my mother is still alive. She is living with my sister in Florida. I live in Ohio, but of course who doesn't right? ^-^ Anyways, now that I am separated from her I have been having to take on the role of adult of the house. I've had alot of time to think about everything. I realized the other day that I didn't spend as much time with her as possible. I would play as a child, hang out with my friends as a teen, and became a computer junky from then till now. I didn't spend my time with her. When she would ask me to come watch a show on the tv with her I wouldn't. A movie came on, I would leave. Now that I know this I feel like a horrible daughter. I should have spent more time with her. Hugged her more, and showed her I love her. I cry almost every day and night from missing her, and the regrets I have.
What happened was last November, before Thanksgiving, Mom went to the doctor. She was coughing alot and was congested. Her doctor said she had bronchitis. He gave some cough syrup, and a prescription for Zithromax or whatever it was called. It turned out that she was allergic to the Zithromax. Her face swelled, and she was finding it hard to handle the pain. She went to the emergency room at least three times. The swelling moved to her ears, and they swelled shut. She would cry from the pain. I felt so bad. With all this she still went to work. The swelling went away but she would be throwing up, and couldn't keep her food down. So one night she went to work, and ended up going into the hospital. It turned out that she had Chronic Kidney Failure. I think that is what is it called. So they scheduled for her to see a kidney specialist. So my sister came up to be with us when Mom went. She was stage 4. They gave her pills to take, and sent us home. I know they gave her at least three different potassium pills for her to take. She also had to take this pill that if my sister or I touch it could hurt us, and cause me to become unable to have children. Mom wouldn't take them though. She wouldn't take anything. She also wouldn't eat at all. She would throw up all the time. She was miserable. I felt so bad. I didn't know what else to do for her. They gave her a medication for nausea but I dont think it helped as much as it seemed. When she would turn over in bed she would become ill, like motion sickness. Though I would tell the doctors this no one would listen. My sister is the one who has authority in her voice, and knows what she is talking about. Eventually though she had to go back home. So once that happened, I was left on my own once again. She still wouldn't eat, and when she did have the inkling I was half asleep and unable to even pull down my pants to pee. Of course it would have been nice for my nephew who lived with us to help a little more then he was with working. Although staying up late watching tv and not going to bed at a decent hour would have helped. I stayed up as long as I could for her sake but I could handle it for only so long. I still think I could have been able to help more, but then again maybe not. Sometimes you have to admit your faults, and I'm weak. In the months that passed after my sister left my Mom passed out on me twice, and wouldn't wake up, and the last time she fell in our hallway. I live in a trailer by the way. My Mom and I are big women. Me more then her. After she fell, we called the ambulance and they took her to the hospital. At the hospital she passed out on the toilet on the nurses, so they saw what I saw. Then three days after that my grandma called and informed me that my Mom didnt know who anybody was, or herself, and need my sisters number. Now in this time when all this was happening, my Mom decided that we should all move in with my sister in Florida. I didn't mind, except that I would miss my friends, and the weather (except winter). So my sister was already in the process of getting up here. She was flying out that day to come here. Imagine getting a call like that when your on your way to see your Mom. I called my Moms cell, and got no answer. So I called the nurses station and asked if they could get her to answer the phone. They went in and gave her the phone. She didnt know who I was. So I went to see her. She was staring at the wall, and really wouldn't answer you.
Fast forward a little. They transferred her to two hospitals before we got a clear answer as to what caused this to happen. It was a thiamine deficiency do to her not eating, or also known as Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. Most of the time a person gets it when they are an alcoholic. But the figured out what she needed and plans were put into work. She was unable to take care of herself now, and was completely incontinent. They put her in a nursing home. We went to visit her almost everyday, when we could. We have a horrible van. She was suppose to be getting physical therapy to help her to get back to walking around again. That didn't last long though. With her work there is so much time they will give you to get better and come back to work, then after that they drop you like a rock. Well when that happened her insurance dropped her too, and so did the physical therapy. So we made plans to get her out of there. We owe them over $2,000 I think... I don't remember. But even though we were suppose to be paying out of pocket, they still didn't do physical therapy with her. They got her up, and put her down for the day and fed her in between. My sister said fuck that. We could do that! So we got a hospital bed, hoyer lift, bed pads, and whatever else we would need, and brought her home. It was hard I will admit. Not to mention the pooping thing was too much for me. I kinda missed wiping her when she was still using the toilet. Not only cause she was able to stand on her own, and adjust her body for me, but I didn't have to see so much of it. Still I didn't mind. Problem was I was weaker then my sister when it came to moving Mom, and my nephew was even worse then I was cause he didn't want to touch her I guess or hurt her....I don't know. Well while we were taking care of Mom, we were also deciding things with moving. I'm just gonna sum it up. My nephew didn't want to move because he has a job, and house here. My brother-in-law didn't want us down there because we need our GEDs to find decent jobs and we don't have those, plus he didn't like the thought of me not working to help out with bills down there. Even though what my job would have been was helping my sister take care of my Mom. Whatever though. Now they are down there, and we are up here. I miss my Mom alot. Plus she has been asking where I am now, and wanting to talk to me. I talked to her on the phone the other day and she told me I needed to come visit her. I am crying right now.... I dont have enough money to go see her. I am a diabetic, with neuropathy of the legs and feet. Even with the pills I have been finally able to get to help, I find it hard to walk around. I can barely do normal household chores. I don't think I would be able to work even a part time job. So I am stuck, and feel lost. I'm falling into a deep hole of depression. It's adding to the pain in my body, and I am already getting tired of it. I want to give up, but I can't for the sake of my family and friends. Also cause my nephew Nathan is really immature, and could never be able to live on his own. Otherwise I would have said fuck you to my brother-in-law and went with my sister anyways.
I just wanted to get that off my chest and mind. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. I hope you love your family and friends more cause of it.